Heroes of a Distant Star
(I’m using our dates in here, simply because the Star Wars date system is too complex to easily break down right now). These Rumors appear on the Holo-Net (sort of a 3-D intergalactic internet, heavily monitored by the Empire… unless you’re a Slicer who knows how to get around that sort of thing). But just like the real internet, some of the official stuff is planted by the Empire, and many of the non-official news sources you’ll see may potentially be run by crackpots, or those with their own agendas, so take this all with a grain of salt.
-IG ON THE RUN! We’re getting reports from Atzerri that several of the Empire’s new Dark Troopers are on-scene hunting the rogue IG that was seen terrorizing the public there. Here is just-released footage from the helmet camera of one of those troopers.
[the footage does look like it’s from a helmet cam, and it shows a clip of when the D.o.S. shot and exploded one of the dark troopers… only it’s been edited (amazingly well… you only notice the edit because you saw what really happened) to show IG in the spot where the dark trooper was, and a floating dark trooper firing instead of the D.o.S.]
It seems clear that the ongoing droid threat brought by the terrorist IG-88 and it’s companion models is well under control now that the Empire is devoting its full resources to the problem.
-You have been warned. You’ve been told to be ready. But NOTHING can prepare you for the week-long savagery of IHV’s “Gundark Week”! You can run, but you definately cannot hide from the galaxy’s most fearsome predators.
NEW SLICER RUMORS
-Did you see the latest Gowix PowerDatapad with that new RISC architecture on the chipset? It’s going to change EVERYTHING about the way we think about datapads.
-I’m impressed that even under ownership of the Tagge Corp, the Gowix designers have managed to maintain enough autonomy to keep putting out innovative products that test the limits of the market.
-Hey, has anyone seen or heard from UltraLazR recently? I actually live down the street from him, and there was a big Imperial presence here earlier today, and now he’s gone silent. Do you think those bastards finally got to him? I can’t imagine what he did to piss them off so much. -Doktor d00M
JULY 2015 RUMORS
- (Local news) – “We’ve been getting reports of explosions in the city of Pravoka. The Empire has assured us that this is merely a part of a training exercise with controlled demolition of abandoned buildings, but our reporter may have a different story. We go live now to Nellie Bly, on-location in Pravoka…” A female near-human with slightly larger-than-normal eyes looks at a camera in a city alley as she whispers. “Thanks Jim, I’m hear in the alley near one of the low-rent ship docking yards, and I’ve already seen signs of a firefight. It appears that some of those new storm trooper models, the Dark Troopers, are here, but a starship has been firing at them. It looks like there is already one Dark Trooper casualty, but I can’t get close enough to see without getting in the line of fire.” (camera zooms past her and pans around the corner to show the Denial of Service, backlit by fires from the recently exploded Dark Trooper. Suddenly, the sound of marching boots comes up behind the camera, and the camera drastically changes angle (apparently grabbed & held under the arm of someone. White storm trooper armor is visible, and a storm trooper voice can be heard.) “Ma’am, this is a restricted area. For your own safety we need you to evacuate the premises. Wait, are you broadcasting…?” (the camera and feed suddenly cut out)
JULY 2015 SLICER RUMORS
-I got some really interesting data from a crack I did on an Imperial database on Camino. It looks like they’re introducing new lines of DNA to create better clone storm troopers. But it also looks like the Dark Troopers are all from the same batch, but all the details of that are not accessible in the normal clone databases. It looks like they’re being grown in a separate facility, too, on some planet called Wayland.
JULY 2015 RUMORS
-BLUE STEEL TAKES THE RUNWAY! Coruscant fashion week has just closed up, and a new look by the up-and-coming human engenue Ophelia Cyroptrix, daughter of noted armored suit designer Fier Cyroptrix. At only 17 years old, she has managed to work many of the design concepts from her father’s work into truly stunning pieces of wearable artwork in her new Blue Steel line. A perfect blend of the harsh military lines of armor meshed with the soft humanoid forms… I imagine we’ll be seeing these in high-end Coruscant shoppes quite soon.
-Coventry rebuilds in tragedy-struck Onderon. Jackson Coventry, former Governor of the Arkanis sector, has continued his rebuilding efforts in the Onderon system. Word is that he has the weapons depot in system back up to 70% capacity, and work on the memorial for the lost children is progressing nicely. Some say that Grand Admiral Thrawn himself will be arriving with his fleet to inspect the work his right-hand man Coventry has done.
-Smart shoppers know not to be made a fool of. Shop smart… shop S-Mart!
-It’s hard to argue with a classic. Incom Limited is proud to announce the Z-94 Classic, with Corinthian leather seats, a luxurious cabin space, and the smoothest ride this side of the galaxy. Travel in-system in STYLE. Just 3 low payments of 25,000 credits. Available for a limited time. Price does not include tax, title, or licensing fees. Availability limited to dealer stock.
JUNE 2015 RUMORS
- IG THREAT MORE WIDESPREAD THAN THOUGHT. [cell phone footage of IG chopping that dude’s leg off last game] We have amateur footage here from the planet Atzerri, in the city of Nibbelheim, where what appears to be a previously unknown IG unit is riding a speeder through a crowd and taking a vibro-axe to the leg of this old man. We are told the man later died. Imperial sources on the planet say they will triple patrols until this new member of the IG terrorist organization is destroyed. Joining us now is renowned droid expert and Imperial Anti-Terrorism Advisor, former Lt. Cmdr Char Aznable, to give us more insight.
[shot widens to show older human male sitting next to broadcaster] “Thank you. As a veteran of the Clone Wars, I saw the many ways that droids present a unique threat when facing a living population. The fact that individual IG units like this axe-wielding one are starting to arise on random planets clearly points to one of the biggest problems when fighting a droid foe: replication. IG-88 might be able to take over a droid factory anywhere and have it start creating more murder-bots like this Axe model, each imprinted with the same malfunctioning murderous operating system that IG-88 itself uses. This is truly a troubling development, and one that will require swift action from the Palpatine administration to address it.”
- You’re watching INN, your Imperial News Network, with a special report. We’ve recently received a press packet from the Imperial Army. In response to the growing threat of the IG terrorist organization, the Empire has just announced the creation of a new breed of storm trooper, specially trained and equipped to wipe out any droid threat. These soldiers, called Dark Troopers, have just been activated, according to Imperial Military release 3794861, and will hopefully be arriving at all Imperial facilities soon. [image of a phase 2 Dark Trooper spins on the screen, fading into carefully edited combat footage of a Dark Trooper in action]. It appears that the soldiers are equipped with massive armor, standing at least 8 ft tall, and heavily armored. From this initial footage released by the Imperial Army, we see brief shots of a Dark Trooper apparently using an internal repulsorlift engine to travel at great speeds, and we also see one taking direct hits from a starship’s blaster cannons with no visible damage to the armor. Here we see a single dark trooper nullifying a squad of 20 old battle droids with little difficulty. We cannot know the kind of training that these soldiers have been through, but it is clear that they are the best of the best in the Imperial arsenal against the growing IG threat.
- That dark trooper… it’s totally two little dudes on top of one another. They’re probably Jawas… they’re good with technology, right? And I’ll be the Empire is using them on the front line against the IGs because they don’t care if Jawas get killed.
- Anyone got download codes for TwilekNudes.com? Come on guys, help a brother out.
JUNE 2015 SLICER RUMORS
- Insider scoop on the Dark Trooper specs shows that it’s got so many additional weapons that it needs a separate droid brain built into the armor to manage them all. The shielding is intense… both super high-end conventional and anti-EMP shielding, but the real kicker is the weapons. More than 10 different internal blaster systems, Electroshock webbing on the armor, looks like hook-ups for some kind of missile system, and an “Ion Field Generator”? Also that internal repulsorlift they showed on the footage. And all that’s in addition to whatever weapon the trooper decides to hold and shoot.
- My source inside the Empire says that the weapons are just a smokescreen… the REAL awesome thing about these dark troopers is the sensor package. He says that the Arc Hammer, which is I guess the research place they designed these things, had perfected a sensor that could detect the movement of electrons in a wide swathe, and translate it to meaningful data. That means it could see the electricity being used to power a stealth field, making such a field obsolete.
- Guys, I’ve got an upload of Sharon Apple’s consciousness. I know, it shouldn’t be possible, and the file will take you DAYS to download, but I think I’ve got it. I did a back-trace on systems where she had updates done for the past 10 years, and I think I got enough source-code information to create a working copy. Now I’ve just got to get it to start making music for me.
May 2015 RUMORS
-Education in the Empire: Focus on Safety. In light of recent terrorist actions, the Emperor has implemented a mandatory energy weapon training for all classroom teachers in the Empire. Storm Trooper advisors have been sent into schools for the mandatory training, and are imparting their knowledge of how to precisely fire a blaster to everyone who helps to oversee our children. Of course, a small .05% increase in Imperial taxes is required to pay for the blaster pistols that will be issued to every teacher, but when the safety of our children is at stake, most citizens agree that there is no price too high to pay.
-Surprise Mandalorian wedding. While many on the planet Mandalore had planned for a lavish affair for the wedding of Imperial Administrator Zev Tanaka and high-bred Mandalorian socialite Anastazia Kryze, the two we privately last night in a small ceremony with only family present. Said Tanaka: “We felt that with the focus on the IG Incident and all, it was just inappropriate to steal attention away from such an important issue with something like a wedding.” The new Mrs Tanaka was a little more passionate when speaking to the people of Mandalore: “Our wedding was small, but our love for you remains great. I hope you care for Tanaka as you have always cared for me. He supports you, for he loves you; understands you… is one of you. If not, would he love me the way that you do?” [cries and chants in the background of “Aniza, Aniza” almost drown out her speech]. (OOG: effectively she’s Eva Peron)
-[shot of a soap-opera attractive human in a doctor’s outfit] Are you injured? Do you need medical attention? Do you want a murderous droid sticking its weapons into your open wounds when you’re at your most vulnerable? No, of course you don’t. At Doctors Galactica, we use only the highest trained living humanoid doctors, never any droids. Even our cybernetically enhanced nurses are always accompanied by living IT experts to avoid any chance of outside robotic influence. If you’re injured and want the healing hands of LIVING doctors, the Doctors Galactica is your only choice. Sure, you’ll pay a little more for care, but isn’t it worth it to know you won’t be murdered by a droid? Plus, in the next month we’ll be expanding to limited mid-Rim facilities. Doctors Galactica, the hands of life.
-Air Apparent LLC just signed a deal with the Imperial government to provide key breather components on a new elite storm trooper armor for the Storm Commandos. Not a lot of details are available on the new units, but word is that Air Apparent had to design breathers that would filter out all known toxins, as well as potentially provide air in deep space, all while being no larger than a standard storm trooper helmet.
-A galactic Kick Starter campaign has begun, petitioning the Emperor to declare [Date of IG Attack] as a galactic holiday called Children’s Day. Some Wookiee sympathizers complain that the date is already the date of an important holiday in Wookiee tradition known as Life Day, but their complaints about this obscure holiday are having little effect next to the outpouring of emotion regarding a day to honor the lives of the children and Imperial soldiers lost in that unthinkable terrorist action.
MAY 2015 SLICER RUMORS
-They did a lot to hide it and delete any evidence of the results, but I’m pretty sure that polling data was done on the citizens of Mandalore to see if they’d prefer a small or large wedding of the first couple.
-I got a preliminary look at some of the specs for that new Storm Commando helmet, and DAAAMMNN Son! You don’t even KNOW how sick this thing is.
-I’ve been tracking some money movements, and it looks like certain Black Sun subsidiary holding fronts have been filtering money to failing droid companies? Corporate take-over? Or something else? Who knows, but I’m certainly not going to walk up to any Black Sun folks to ask.
APRIL 2015 RUMORS
-Empire Rebuilds! Former Imperial governor of the Arkanis Sector Jackson Coventry has arrived in the Onderon system after the terrorist actions there, and has brought the guiding hand of the Empire back to the droid-devestated region. Rumor is that Grand Admiral Thrawn actually requested that Coventry, a former Special Forces Sniper, return to active duty, and that the Governor might now be using the title Commandante.
-Hey IG, How Do You Like Them Apples? The droid musical performer known as Sharon Apple has released a statement condemning the terrorist actions of IG-88 and its Mechis III mobile planet.
“The actions of IG-88 are horrid, and in no way reflect the desires of the many soulful and kind droids throughout the rest of the galaxy. We wish kindness and peace on the families of those lost in this evil act.”
-[talking head blowhard] Have you heard this crap about a droid musician feeling bad about IG-88’s terrorism? I am, frankly, insulted. This is clearly a part of the droid conspiracy to trick us into believing that droids are not the soulless killing machines that IG-88 has shown them all to be. The only time I need to know how a datapad “feels” is if I’ve just put a non-slip cover on it.
-Hospitals in the mid-rim and outer-rim are reporting shortages in doctors and other trained professionals. Likely this is due to the refusal of many patients to be seen by 2-1B and other medical droids, for fear that they are in league with the terrorist droid IG-88.
-Englebert Bel Iblis is climbing the charts with his latest hit comedic song “More Awkward Than a Jedi at a Clone Party”.
== -COVENTRY TO THE RESCUE! Long out of the public eye, Arkanis Sector governor Jackson Coventry arrived in the troubled Onderon system, site of the IG-Infanticide terrorist action, with his new Nova class star destroyer to show that the Empire is still in control. We are told that Coventry, a former Imperial Special Ops Sniper, is working with an Imperial High Inquisitor on a secret plan to end the IG-88 threat entirely. -"Do you need a helping hand???" [shot of that dude-bro from Zebulon's party [[Ep 12: The Palpatine Museum | way back when]]]. Hi, I'm Chet Costington, heir to the Costington Leather Starship Seats fortunes. But I'm not here to talk to you about how comfortable my family's products are. Today I'd like to talk to you about my hand (he holds up his right hand, which looks pristine as he takes it out of some kind of mineral/bacta tank. [[Ep 12: The Palpatine Museum | Almost a year ago]], I got into a fight with IG-88, and I ended up punching it right in its stupid head. That shattered my hand, and I thought I'd never be able to use it again. But thanks to the awesome teams here at InGen on Camino, I have a completely new cloned hand, good as new! Now that I know that robot is a murderer who kills children, I'll happily punch him again if I ever see him. And I can, with my brand new hand from InGen! (he makes a fist) -The Imperial science vessel excelsior has reported strange electrical signals coming from the Arkanis sector. Whether this is related to the many biological disturbances reported in that region is unknown, but it seems clear that the Empire has things under control out there, if they've already got science ships investigating this stuff. - Top 10 Twilek dancer FAILS. #3 will wow you... and I don't think #7 is even legal on most planets! -Is your home safe from attacks by rogue droid murderers? Not if you don't have SafeTek Ion Doors, it isn't. SafeTek's new line of ionizing doors will cause any droid that enters your home to freeze up as its circuits get FRIED! [cut to brief image of egg on frying pan] And coming soon, SafeTek Ion Doors for starships (Imperial safety inspection on starship ion doors pending). ====
-IG INFANTICIDE!!!!! The galaxy is SHOCKED at the events witnessed via live holo-broadcast on this network. The criminal assassin droid IG-88 moved a planet into the Onderon system and then rammed the Imperial Star Destroyer “Interogator” with the 10 missing school ships full of children, killing all aboard and destroying the Imperial ship as well! Death estimates for the attack are in the TENS OF THOUSANDS, including not only all personnel aboard the Star Destroyer, but also an estimated 1500 children aboard the transport shuttles that were turned into child-filled missiles of death by an evil droid.
- Merr-Sonn stock skyrockets as citizens throughout the empire purchase Ion weaponry to deal with the IG-88 droid threat. Coming on the heels of the disruptive and dangerous so-called “Republic Day” virus, the recent terrorist action by the droid IG-88 has convinced many in the Empire to take up arms against hte growing mechanical threat to all life in the galaxy. Merr-Sonn Munitions, well-known for their weaponry that aided anti-separatist forces during the Clone Wars, has seen a new resurgence in their entire product line of ion weapons, electro-magnetic weaponry, restraining bolts, and everything else as everyone wants anti-droid weaponry, and they’re willing to pay any price to get it.
-[talking head blow-hard] “First they steal our jobs, then they want equal rights, and now they’re killing our children. Clearly the Palpatine administration’s soft stance on droids has lead to this tragedy.”
-Play-tech has just canceled the release of its “Droid Buddy” line of child-themed droid companions out of respect for the victims of the IG terrorist action.
-[shot of 3PO protocol droid wandering in a field, then we see it through a targeting lens. The droid’s head explodes as it is saying "oh dear, I don’t understand why you want me out here.]
[wide shot of father with son, dad holding heavy blaster rifle]
Son: Gee paw, I thought protocol droids were our friends.
Dad: That’s liberal B.S., son. We don’t know what droids those terrorists have infected. Better to destroy ‘em all. And that’s why I’m glad I’ve got my StarAnvil Heavy Blaster Rifle, the latest and greatest piece of droid destroying equipment from Cuthbern Moon Technologies. If you want it shot, use any old pistol. If you want it destroyed, use a StarAnvil.
-[shot of distraught human male & female, both look like they’ve been crying. Man steps to microphone, while shot of super-cute little girl flashes on screen]. “This is Brianna. She was 7 years old, and she was one of the children murdered by that evil robot. We are asking the Empire, the bounty hunters guild, the Hutts, and anyone else to help us find justice. We’ve put together as much money as we can, and are asking all citizens to donate as well to the bounty on… no, I won’t even mention that thing’s identification number. Evil exists in this galaxy, and we know exactly what it looks like. Please click the link below to help us make sure that Brianna and the other 1487 young souls are avenged! Please help our daughter find justice. Thank you.” [galactic kickstarter link is clickable at the bottom. The value is already over 1.5 million credits, and climbing.]
-CHILDREN IN DANGER! In what authorities are describing as a likely hyperdrive malfunction of tragic proportions, 10 transport ships full of school children from mid-rim planets have disappeared while on a field trip to the Imperial capital on Coruscant. Investigations are still ongoing, but no distress signals were received, and the filed hyperspace trajectories of the ships show that they were all passing near a nebula cluster that might have caused a malfunction in equipment. We’re here with Kuat Drive Systems Engineer Howard Wallowitz with more information:
“This is all speculation, of course, because no official findings have been… um… found yet. But if the primary gyroscopes on their hyperspace motivators got misconfigured, those ships could have flown into a star, exploding as they were ripped out of hyperspace, and nobody would ever find any remains.”
A chilling possibility. We will let you know when we have more information.
-[goofy sit-com announcer voice] Uh Oh… what are those zany Rebels up to this time? Our Human hero Ken Starstruck tries to get in good with an Imperial Dutchess so that he can steal military information… but he doesn’t realize that his protocol droid also booked a date with a sexy crime lord on the same night… at the same restaurant! Meanwhile his wookiee companion, Chew-Lotsa, gets mistaken for a cook in the kitchen of that restaurant! Looks like the Rebellion is blasting off again! Watch the new season of Rebels Without a Clue on Impnet 5, your home for the best comedy.
-[Dark, moody shot of Holo-vid star Dirk Masterson (a la Matthew McConaughey)]: I was driving Skyhoppers speeders since long before they paid me. They just give me the quality I want in a vehicle. [shots of him riding across a barren cityscape]. Sure, I might get a speeder with more lights & whistles, but what I really want is comfort and reliability. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. [Announcer voice] The T-16 Skyhopper, available from your authorized Skyhopper dealer.
-While our thoughts go out to the families of those missing school children, we’d like to switch gears and tell you that our news network has just gotten an exciting scoop. We’ve been offered an EXCLUSIVE interview with public enemy #1, the droid IG-88 itself. Even as we speak, our reporting crew is headed to a secret location for an interview with the killer robot. Stay tuned… you will only see this here!
APRIL 2015 SLICER RUMORS
-If you want, there are some real deals on 2-1B droids in lots of secondary markets. A site known as the “Night Market”, which moves around addresses & servers (though easy enough for Moss to track), you can bid & get them for between 2-4,000 credits, which is pretty darned inexpensive.
== -The probability of that Costington jerk punching IG-88 in the head & actually surviving is, to say the least, rather low. Just below impossible, in fact. Just saying. I ran the numbers. -I installed that new open-source networking software to my droids' brains as well, so I can use their headspace for extra RAM... and it does some HILARIOUS things to their basic motor functions depending on what program you're using. Then I tried a music app... and it almost looks like they're dancing! -Pay attention to the Intergalactic Banking Clan's feed over the next day. I have been a busy bot. -R-3DS (NOTE: If you do, in fact, check out the banking feed, at random intervals during the scrolling of financial market info are messages about droid rights and justice for all sentient beings) ====
-hacked footage of video feeds from inside the children’s ships. NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART (clicking the link actually brings you to a bunch of pop-up porn sites).
-here’s some malicious code I wrote to seriously fuck with an IG’s brain. Fuckers think they can kill kids??? Not on my watch. I invite all slicers to join me in doing all that we can to put droid-brain-destroying viruses in the hands of people who can deliver them to these robotic murderers.
-there is lots of traffic to various arms dealers & crime groups, which, if you can backtrack it several steps (and I know you can) traces back to the Imperial Palace on Coruscant. Seems like the Empire is trying to stockpile as many weapons as possible. Looks like everything from hand-held stuff to turbolasers.
-that whole Onderon thing is an Imperial lie. If you look at the footage, you can see the green screen around the edges of the ships. Completely faked. It’s a conspiracy between the media, the Palpatine administration, and the military industrial complex to get more of our money. Look at the new military taxes they’re adding into our tax codes! It’s just a bunch of lies to justify corporate greed. I’ll bet those “weeping parents” are actors, too.
-UltraLazR: Look, I’m pretty sure I know more about faked video footage than anyone in the galaxy, and that’s real footage. Look at the corroborating datapad videos from folks on Iziz-1 looking out the observation decks. It’s real.
-Oh, right, and I suppose you believe that a droid could move an entire planet, right? You probably believe the old fairy tales about “Jedi magicians” moving stuff with their minds, too. It’s all smoke & mirrors, and the real trick is that we’re getting screwed on taxes.
-Does anyone know what this MediaMallServer.exe is? It’s using up a lot of RAM in the background, and I keep getting system error messages about not enough memory.
-Another fun project I worked on in my early days of video manipulation… I took old footage of Han Solo and digitally inserted Jabba the Hutt slithering next to him. You can tell I still hadn’t perfected the technique yet, but I think this shows how even imperfect efforts can still look pretty darned convincing using my video editing techniques. -UltraLazrr
-I heard that the missing school buses are some kind of awesome records hack… they don’t actually exist, but someone spoofed the data into all the servers of the various news outlets. Brilliant!
March 2015 Rumors
-Zebulon Chesterfield III, speaking on Imperial Crossfire: “It seems to me that if Thrawn can’t even provide a birth certificate proving that he was born in this galaxy, he has no business being a grand admiral.”
-Sebulba Jr. WINS!!! Pod-racing fans everywhere were blown away this past weekend as a dark horse alien with a famous father came out of nowhere to win the Correllian Podracing Cup by a sizable margin. He even beat out Corellian favorite Zim Kalarel, a human hometown hero. So now Sebulba Jr, the Dug child of Sebulba Sr, is the new face of the Corellian Cup! Sebulba Sr. used to be a podracing champ on the outer rim, but fell into obscurity once the Clone Wars started. Now, decades later, it appears that the elderly Sr. has passed the torch to his ambitious offspring. Having spent years training on their species’ home planet of Malastare, Sebulba Jr. now drives a pod sponsored by Malastare Fuel, a big Imperial supplier. We’re excited to see what will happen next, race fans, so stay tuned to Racing 1036, the fastest mix of music & news on the Holo-net!
-"Thanks for tuning in to “Talk of the Empire”. I’m your host, Lester Morso. Today we’re chatting about aliens in positions of authority in the Imperial Military. Is it okay, or are they causing more harm than good? Caller, you’re on the air. Tell us who you are and where you’re calling from."
Caller: [male voice] “Uh, thanks Lester. My name is Bubba and I’m calling from Corellia. I just want to say that with aliens like Thrawn getting all uppity in the Imperial Navy, other aliens think they can rise up as well. That’s why our boy Zim got blindsided in the Corellian Cup! Thanks a lot, Thrawn!”
Lester: "That’s a good point, Bubba. Next caller.
Caller: [female voice] “Hi, my name is Maranda, and I’m calling from Coruscant. I just want to say that with the media glamorizing aliens like Thrawn and Fenn Kithra, I worry about the message that sends to my daughters. I don’t want them growing up thinking that non-humans are attractive or anything. I just wish someone would think of the children!”
Lester: “Also an important thing to think about.”
Caller: [male new zealander voice]: “Lister, thanks fir takin me call. I’m an ix-stormtrooper, injured in duty, and I jist want to say that Thrawn knows a lot about military tactics, and that’s dangirous fir miny soldiers who are fascinated by his combat prowess. Jist because he’s smart doesn’t make him right, and if he starts giving orders that sound alien and wrong, I hope that all the good soldiers under him will realize that their duty iz to the Impire, not to some blue-skinned man with a title.”
Lester: “Thank you for your service, caller, and I think you hit the nail on the head. We’ll have more callers after these messages.”
- Mandalorian Wedding Rumors… it seems that planetary administrator Zev Tanaka, who was installed as the new head of Mandalorian Affairs by Emperor Palpatine himself last month, is about to wed a very pedigreed young woman. Anastasia Kryze is the young niece of former Mandalorian Dutchess Satine Kryze, and at only 18 years old, she already seems to be a possessed of the poise, intellect, and beauty that her aunt was so famous for. Though she’s had a tough life, with her aunt dying during the Clone Wars, and her own mother giving in to the Stygian Flu just last year, Anastasia has nonetheless carried on, and is now situated to become the First Lady of Mandalore! Rumor has it that Tanaka proposed atop the model of a Mythosaur skeleton in the Mandalore mall… how romantic! We’ll continue with coverage of the battle among dress-makers to snag the coveted job of her wedding gown after these messages.
- Emperisoft to phase out support of VIEWSCREEN 95. In an announcement that will likely only affect outer rim planets, Imperial-run software giant Emperisoft announced today that they will no longer be releasing security patches or software updates for machines running the VIEWSCREEN 95 operating system. In an official statement, Empirisoft PR head Linus Torvalds said “We recommend that all those still using the outdated VIEWSCREEN 95 upgrade to at least VIEWSCREEN VISTA, which, I would point out, is almost 80% stable on most systems.”
- Are you having trouble breathing around your human administrators? WE CAN HELP. Air Apparent LLC offers the latest in top-of-the-line breathers, ventilators, and other environmental systems for aliens looking to have a seat at the table with their Human Imperial governors. Our doctors and medical droids are specially trained to deal with a wide variety of alien species, and we guarantee comfort and aesthetic appeal with our many sleek designs. Schedule an appointment at our main facility on Camino for major work, or holo-mail one of our regional representatives for less intense procedures.
- Bakura Mining Corp just reports immense 1st quarter profits. Looks like the distant outer-rim company is going to be a major financial player, and they have just announced an IPO on the Coruscant stock exchange that’ll happen in one month’s time. Investors are scrambling to get in on the action.
- Scandal at Chesterfield Mining Corp. We’ve gotten reports that imperial storm troopers have arrested a high ranking accountant in the Chesterfield Mining Corporation. Rumors are that the accountant, whose name has not been revealed, was embezzling possibly millions of credits from the Empire in the form of tax loopholes and false subsidiary companies. CEA Zebulon Chesterfield III said he was “outraged” that such a person could be discovered in his organization. He agreed to fully comply with Imperial officials to fully investigate the extent of this criminal behavior.
- Intergalactic Banking Clan to offer new sub-prime loans for select new starship purchases. Given the recent mining booms seemingly all over the outer rim (Bakura, Kalee, the Pii System), the Intergalactic Banking Clan is offering incredible rates with 0% APR for the first 12 months on the purchase of mining starships and freighters equipped to transport minerals & metals from these mining regions. Many investors looking to get in on the mining rush are likely to take advantage of these historic rates.
- You’re listening to 97X… BAM! The Future of Rock & Roll!
- Despite the Emperor’s announcement of the official name of the new Imperial Star moon-sized super-station, it seems the public has spoken, and folks are still referring to it by the apparent name of the previous rebel vessel it was based on: the Death Star.
- I hear the Death Star is going to be a huge job creator. Not only in the construction sector, but also with the massive maintenance crews, soldiers, officer, and support staff a station that huge will need to go about everyday operations.
- Death Star to open daycare ( Follow link to the Onion article )
- Top 10 ways you know your wookiee slaves have been goofing off
March 2015 Slicer Rumors
-there are many rumors floating around about Thrawn’s rebellion, including a couple bits of video footage of the Kashyyyk maneuver with the fake “Chimaera” & the Nova. They quickly get taken down, but seem to be viral enough in Slicer forums that someone still reposts them. No word on mainstream media yet about Thrawn’s rebellion, though.
-There’s an encrypted archive data file from some slicer named “Galaxtik BallZ” who claims to have hacked Boba Fett’s files and gotten all his secret bounty hunting data. Very few people seem willing to download it, though, likely out of fear of leaving a trail that Fett could follow.
-This is hardly news, but I think I can prove that all the mainstream shows trash-talking Thrawn have data streams originating from the Imperial Palace on Coruscant.
- W@rEz for trade. New game hax. Che@t codez. Hit me up.
- [footage of gungans doing a celebratory dance in the middle of a budget meeting on C-SPAN (Coruscant Social, Political, Administrative Network), while ministers appear to be trying to talk around their crazy dances] Check out the new feathering technique I used to make these seamless video mash-ups. Tell me you can find a single frame where it’s obvious I inserted that gungan footage into the budgetary sub-committee footage! You can’t. Of course, the Empire would never let me patent or sell software like this legally. Guess I’ll have to stick to doing private jobs. -UltraLazrr
- I’ve been tracking communications from support ships, and I think the Death Star is headed for the Arkanis sector. By all reports, the space station is not complete yet, but I’m guessing the Emperor thinks that just its presence in the system will help to quell whatever riots or other problems are going on in that region. Plus, it’s probably easier to complete construction in a more remote area like that, where they can stay farther away from the media.
- I heard that 97X is actually a droid running programs designed to search the soundwaves & music libraries of millions and come out with the most aurally pleasing and universally enjoyed rock hits in the galaxy. I’d never leave my music choices to a streaming music droid… no, I need my music hand selected by Shaggy and the Interstellar Wake-Up crew at YA420, the Best Classic Rock station in the galaxy.
- I’ve heard that the “Death Star” name thing was planned all along as an intimidation thing, but they designed it to look like something that happened from the public sector, instead of an Imperial decree.
- I swiped a copy I decrypted from a long-range data message, and got what look like plans of the engine modules for that Death Star. The weird thing is that they were headed for some old droid factory… I can’t figure out why anyone would be sending them there.
- Please send us a copy of those plans – SpyNet
February 2015 Rumors
-We interrupt your normal program for this all-points announcement from the Imperial Government. Emperor Palpatine will be addressing the Empire shortly. Please stand by…
Bob: Ken, what speculation do we have about what the Emperor might be saying?
Ken: Well, Bob, it’s very unlike the Emperor to make such a broad announcement, so we’re sure this has to be something big.
Bob: Currently we see a delegation of regional governors and their emissaries, seated in the former Galactic Senate chambers on Coruscant. Some of them are looking rather nervous, so it appears that they have not been given the heads-up on this announcement, either.
Ken: Here comes the Emperor, entering the chamber. We see him wearing the off-red robes of his home planet, Naboo, which he has been known to wear in the past at stately gatherings. He’s approaching the podium now as all others present stand and applaud him. Let’s listen in to this speech."
Palpatine: Citizens and subjects of the Empire. I come to you today with exciting news of success and impending victory. You have no doubt heard rumors of various conflicts throughout the galaxy with terrorist forces who would seek to destroy this great Empire that we have built together. I am pleased to announce that, after the destruction of a certain rebel super-weapon some months ago, we have managed to acquire the plans for that weapon, and are now embarking on incorporating them into a better design that will crush all rebel groups and any who would oppose the Empire.
This moon-sized space station will be a mobile super-platform, capable of not only supplying planets and star destroyers, but also a formidable weapon in its own right, with the firepower to take out fleets at a time, and, if necessary, entire planets. While it is not our desire to have to take the drastic measure of destroying a planet, our ability to do so will be a powerful deterrent to any who would dare stand against the might of the Empire, be they militias, alien threats, or malfunctioning pieces of defective droid equipment.
The recent disbanding of the largely contentious Imperial Senate has empowered regional Governors to take more direct action to control their sectors, and now the Empire will have a final arbiter that will enforce any decisions, backing-up our Governors with the unstoppable might of the most well-armed mobile battle station ever created.
As I speak, Imperial Grand Admirals across the galaxy are acting on my orders to quell rebellions and bring troublesome sectors back into line, as I did recently on the planet Mandalore. This new Imperial vessel, which we are naming the Imperial Star, will be the crowning achievement of our Empire, and will usher in an age of order and obedience, where no one, of any rank or station, will ever feel the need to stand against me again. Be well, and may our Empire forever stand!
Bob: And there you have it, straight from the mouth of Emperor Palpatine himself, the announcement of a thrilling new military weapons initiative that will help to bring the troubled parts of the galaxy under control once more.
Ken: That’s right Bob, and I have to say that while this is a bold move, I think it’s an important one. Rumbles of dissent have been rising in various sectors of the Outer Rim, and something like this new Imperial Star is exactly what is needed as a symbol of the stability and power the Empire represents.
Bob: I think it also shows the ingenuity of the Imperial war machine, taking design specs from an enemy weapon designed to instill terror, and instead using them as part of a massive device that will ensure peace.
Ken: Bob, I couldn’t have said it better myself. We now return to your regularly scheduled broadcast, still in progress.
-THRAWN: ROGUE OR RUBE??? We’re receiving confusing reports from support folks who deal with Imperial fleets in the area around Kashyyyk, where Grand Admiral Thrawn recently took control after the sad death of Grand Admiral Kendal Ozzek. Our sources are saying that passwords and security codes for all Imperial vessels in that region are changing rapidly. For a more informed opinion, we turn to our panel. With us today are Military Historian Howard Zinn, and Computer Affairs Writer Stephen Glass.
Ken: Mr. Zinn, what could be going on here?
Zinn: Well, Ken, this is the oldest story in the book. Grand Admiral Thrawn has demands he must want met, and he’s using his fleet to get them in a non-violent way. By changing the codes, not only has he made it impossible for other Imperial vessels to efficiently interact with his large fleet, but he’s also removed the Empire’s ability to remotely disable or control his ships. This sort of posturing has gone on many times in the past, as far back as the early days of the Old Republic.
Ken: Stephen Glass, you have a counter-point?
Glass: Yes Ken, while I respect Mr. Zinn, I don’t think he could be more wrong in this instance. This is clearly the work of a coordinated effort by several slicers to cause problems with the Imperial military. Thrawn is just caught in the past, and unable to keep up with these high-tech security attacks by elite slicers. If you frequent the slicer boards, like I do, you’d know that several high-profile slicer collectives have already started claiming responsibility for these attacks.
Zinn: “High profile” slicers? Like whom, Mr. Glass?
Glass: Oh, the biggest ones. Of course, you probably wouldn’t recognize their names, but they are the biggest of the big in the underbelly of the slicer underground. Names like Angelfire, Ian Restil, and Michaelangelo… they may sound like weird names to you and I, but to slicers, those people are gods.
Ken: I wouldn’t be doing my job as a journalist if I didn’t ask: gentlemen, should we be afraid?
Zinn: I don’t think so. At least not yet. Thrawn is a brilliant tactician, and this is just one more move. Thankfully, though, it’s a non-violent move. As Thrawn works out his grievances with the Empire, I think this whole thing will be solved without any bloodshed.
Glass: Absolutely you should be afraid. Slicers penetrate and ravage delicate public and privately owned computer systems, infecting them with viruses, and stealing materials for their own ends. These people, they are terrorists.
Ken: And there you have it. Very different ideas from very different experts. What is really going on? Only time, and this station, can tell. Stay tuned.
February 2015 Slicer Rumors
-I heard that the pre-announcement name of that Imperial Star was actually the “Death Star”, because of all the weapons they’ve got on it.
-I got some scattered supply reports, and it looks like the Empire’s been stockpiling to make this thing for years.
-TWILEK DANCER PHONE HACK: Taken directly from the cloud. Videos, pictures, candids… you will not believe what I’ve got to show you. Download the whole set for 50 credits.
-Guess that settles the debate about Thrawn’s code-changing out in the Kashyyyk area. Probably had sensitive data about the Imperial Star that they were keeping safe.
-DAMN!!! Did you hear the Emperor diss IG-88 by calling him a defective piece of droid equipment?!? Yo, tha Naboo Master dropped tha mike! I’d like to see IG-88 try to compute that!
-WHAT BINKS THINKS: KALEE. In this week’s installment of the popular travel series hosted by former Naboo Senator Jar Jar Binks, we travel to the distant outer-rim planet of Kalee, where the International Banking Clan has recently been staking mineral and metal-mining claims.
(Open on Jar Jar looking out from a mesa-top over a desert-like landscape, with pockets of trees and even a distant mayan-style pyramid in the far distance)
“Meesa thanking yousa for joining meesa once more. The planet Kalee is WAAAAYYY out on the outer Rim, where muy muy peoples has never been to before. Kalee is being home to Kaleesh people, who-sa being big bombad warriors that be killing with fierce anger.” (Jar Jar makes unconvincing GRR face as he tries to look frightening).
“In pointing of facts, Kalee was where big baddest of evil generals, GENERAL GRIEVOUS be coming from originally. He-sa got blown up real bad in big fight, but the Trade Federation was paying to have special droid parts put on him, so he-sa becoming major threat to the galaxy. It was only my friend Jedi Master Obi-Wan who was being able to kill Grievous…” (there is muttering from off camera, and Jar Jar stops to listen to some obviously displeased direction from his crew).
“OH! Meesa sorry. Meesa forgetting meesa not supposed to be talking about Jedis, so we-sa will just say that General Grievous was killed by other great warrior.” (Jar Jar sighs a little, clearly thinking about his lost friend).
(Jar Jar then perks up a little as the screen cuts to more corporate press release-style shots of mining operations.) “But! Now there is being great discoveries being made on Kalee, like big veins of gold, silver, bronzium, and the metals needed for making durasteel and transparasteel, which are being muy muy important for making starships. Intergalactic Banking Clan is making big investment for bombad returns on Kalee, and muy muy other small miners are taking chance and coming here to try striking it rich. So come on down to Kalee, it-sa being a planet on the rise!”
- [This is a broadcast that goes across the top of the screen on all news sites]
WANTED: IG-88, aka the Phlutdroid, also reportedly operating as IG-88A, IG-88B, IG-88C, and/or IG-88D. Heavily armed, more than 500 kills. DISMANTLE ON SIGHT.
- Witness the ancient ceremonies of the Children of the Mani, broadcast to the galaxy. [sound of African-style, almost Lion King-esque chanting & singing, as near-humans (look like Bejorans) dance around in feathered costumes]. The all-Grumani cast of Mani-fest Destiny promises to bring you an evening that will change your life and expand your galaxy. Tickets to this simulcast holographic event start at 500 credits and can be purchased through HoloMaster (price does not include taxes, license, processing fees, and additional HoloMaster charges).
- Recent reports are that Holo-star Javul Charn has split with her management company, Holo-Pro, LLC, and is looking for new representation. That means she’s a free agent, and production companies will be clamoring for her attention. A spokesperson for Charn said that she was “concerned over security holes” with Holo-Pro, and that she was seeking more protection from unruly fans. Holo-Pro had no comment at time of broadcast.
-KONFUSION ABOVE KASHYYYK!!! We’re getting varied reports from multiple sources that the Super Star Destroyer Executor may have been completely destroyed. Some Imperial sources are claiming that it was a planned demolition, since the ship’s structural integrity was damaged after the loss of the command deck almost a week ago. However, we’re also receiving word that Admiral Thrawn’s flagship, the Chimaera, may also have been destroyed. Some reports indicate shots may have come from Imperial vessels, while others describe mystery ships appearing out of nowhere.
We have a reporter live on Coruscant to get an exclusive scoop from Emperor Palpatine himself. Let’s go to him n… [anchor touches his ear]… Oh… oh. I’m told that we no longer have a reporter live on Coruscant, so we’ll be moving to our military combat expert, distinguished Clone War veteran AZ-4319. AZ, what do you think is going on in the skies above Kashyyyk right now? [cut to older clone trooper (who speaks in New Zealand accent)] “Well, Kent, this sort of military exercise is very common among forces preparing for battle. I’m sure that most of the reports are blown out of proportion at this time. I heard there were a lot of merchant ships picking up supplies from a space station near Kashyyyk, and they probably misinterpreted what they saw to be something else entirely. If the Executor or any other ship was destroyed, you can rest assured that the Repub… excuse me… that the EMPIRE fully intended it. This was probably just some war games against unmanned targets designed to look like star destroyers, then misinterpreted by half-drunk freighter pilots. Back to you, Kent.”
- ARKANIS COMMUNICATIONS OUTAGE. We’ve received word that several planets in the Arkanis sector have lost the ability to communicate with the rest of the Empire. Imperial experts theorize that this might be due to some sort of electrical space gas phenomenon in that region. But currently it appears that no one has been able to get ahold of Geonosis, Ryloth, or Siskeen. Sources on Tattooine report no problems so far, but they hardly have the equipment necessary to do long range scans of the other planets to see what might be interfering with their communications. Flights to that reason have also not returned messages, leading most to believe that there must be some sort of localized electro-magnetic disturbance in that area of space. On top of that, the governor of the sector, Jackson Coventry, is NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. Maybe he’s caught in the communications blackout, but our sources say that he’s been in a downward spiral for a while, so it’s possible the aging human veteran just quit.
- LORD VADER TO TOUR ARKANIS. It was just announced that Lord Darth Vader has been sent with an Imperial navy fleet to investigate and fix any problems in the Arkanis sector. Chances are good that he’ll restore communications and get the entire sector back in line. One reporter quoted Lord Vader as saying that he found the Arkanis Governor’s lack of leadership “disturbing”.
- It’s coming… that one time of year when no one can tear their eyes from the holo-vid screen… KARKARODON WEEK is almost here! Watch as these vicious ocean predators take out everything from Gungans to assassin droids. Our special cameras follow these savage creatures, and we even have some rare footage of actual interviews with some of the beasts! Tune in, and never tune out. This is one week that will take a BITE out of your schedule!
- we’re receiving reports of video footage from a terrorist group on Kashyyyk calling itself “Bacca Haran”. They are apparently torturing captured Imperial soldiers. This footage is too graphic to show, but know that our Empire will bring these terrorists to justice. Our hearts go out to the families of these soldiers.
-BLOTTO PILOT BUZZES IMPERIAL FORCES! [cut to video of a YT-2400 racing through the Imperial fleet above Kashyyyk. We’re receiving video of an apparent drunk pilot causing a bit of chaos in the skies above Kashyyyk as he flies directly through the Imperial formation there. Our sources say that this ship is the Outrider, registered to a Dash Rendar. Imperial records indicate that his pilots license was revoked years ago for problems with flying drunk, and some people are saying he may not have even known what he was doing. It looks like he ended up flying – or more like crashing – into the planet itself. If he survived the crash, you can be sure that Imperial authorities on the planet will make sure that Dash Rendrunk learns the meaning of sobriety behind very different bars than he’s used to. [NOTE: This happens during your dinner with Talon Karrde.]
- SOME WOOKIEES WELCOME US: Our boys in white are finding, more and more, that wookiees are smartening up and accepting that the Empire is good for everyone. Here we’ve got some footage of a squad of stormtroopers playing kickball with some wookiee kids [cut to brief, grainy video that looks like what was just described]. While there will be insurgent threats for some time, it’s looking like the Wookiee people are finally starting to welcome the Empire as the liberators that we are.
- DEATH OF A LEGEND: Kenzo Yagai, a retired Corellian ship designer whom popular legend says was the “Y” in the YT-series of space vessels, has died at the age of 95 at his home on Corellia this morning. A major stock-holder in the Corellian Engineering Corporation and a local hero, he had no family of his own, always claiming that the workers at C.E.C. and the many people piloting his ships were family enough. Rumors are flying around that his will may have some interesting surprises when it is read after his funeral next week. The entire planet of Corellia is in mourning at the news of the passing of this great man.
- SAVAGE PLANET KALEE A LITERAL GOLD MINE: Many precious metals have been discovered beneath the surface of the planet Kalee. While most of the natives are fairly primitive, this planet was a Confederate site during the Clone Wars, and limited terraforming has made lush and verdant valleys that many prospectors are rushing towards, in the hopes that they’ll strike it rich. The Intergalactic Banking Clan and other mining interests have been said to be sending teams there as well.
- [Cheaply made video of a theatrically old cloaked man sitting on a mountain holding a glowing green rod in his hand (likely a fluorescent light bulb).] I’m ancient Jedi Jim here to talk to you about Spacer Tape, the most powerful force in the galaxy. It’s got a light side. It’s got a dark side. And it holds the universe together. In most every situation at home and at work, you’ll feel better if you use the tape. Spacer Tape, available at your local retailers.
February 2015 Slicer Rumors
-Did you watch that interview with the Glass guy? I have never heard of ANY of those slicers. Either he’s on some whole OTHER level, or he just made them up.
-No way dude, I’ve totally heard of them. They’re like, next level leet slicers. They probably just haven’t let you know about them yet, because you’re not ready for it.
-Come to think of it, I’ve never seen that Glass guy on these boards, either.
-Check this out, I modified one of those flying camera drones with a Minock costume, and these actual minocks tried to mate with it. I’ve got the footage, and you won’t believe it. Just download this .exe video file to see it all… UNCENSORED.
January 2015 Slicer Rumors
- Anyone notice how everywhere those Binks Thinks specials happen, there’s a rebellion of some sort right afterward? I wonder if they hate that guy so much that they take up arms in protest. The Empire could probably quell any rebellions by just taking that jerk out.
-Check out this HILARIOUS rewiring of a protocol droid’s brain to this battle droid’s body. Every time it apologizes, the trigger finger pulls. Watch as I set him loose on this holographic family meal… [a rather predictable video follows]
- I’m not saying there’s any truth to those rumors about Mechis III becoming sentient and attacking ships that get close to it, but take a look at this, taken from a partial data file I caught getting sent in a distress signal.
- Has anyone else heard the rumor that Han Solo’s wookiee friend died on Kashyyyk?
- Somebody told me that there were rumors in the Bothan sector that Fenn Kithra was headed to Kashyyyk, so I’ll bet he was totally the assassin who killed Han’s wookiee buddy, to really hit his Number one Priority where it hurts.
- It’s been a while since I studied Shri-wook, but I think “Bacca haran” means “vengeance of Bacca”. Wasn’t Bacca that wookiee hero that Han’s friend Chewbacca was named after?
- I heard that “electrical disturbance” out in the Arkanis sector is actually a new super-weapon the Empire is testing.
- Well, I heard that it’s an invading alien force that’s destroying everything that goes out there.
- Yeah, sure, like a giant alien force could just show up and the Empire wouldn’t know about it.
- if you dig deep enough, you can, in fact, find the original Bacca Haran footage. It shows wookiees with black headbands, and terrified imperial soldiers. The video is subtitled, since the wookiees do not speak Basic. The soldiers are asked to denounce the Empire and apologize for what happened to Chewbacca and his son. They don’t seem to understand what’s being said. After several more angry demands and beating the officers when they don’t respond, the wookiees rip the arms off the soldiers, who continue screaming until the wookiees then rip their heads off. The video ends with a blood-spattered wookiee looking into the camera, saying that the trees of justice must be refreshed with the blood of the wicked. If you watch it, go ahead & make a Resilience check to hold on to your lunch.
- Kenzo Yagai was a socialist. I’d bet his will takes his stock and turns the C.E.C. into a worker collective. Power to the people!
- I heard that supposed “Wookie kickball game” was staged with human teenagers wearing those Kashyyyk Sheik clothes. If you pause the video at 1:13, you can totally see an opening in the costume.
- I heard that the game was actually filmed at a prison where they had Wookiee inmates, and that they only used a clip of that kickball game because the Wookiees actually ended up winning by a large margin.
- Well I heard that Wookies can’t even play kickball, because the joints in their legs don’t bend the right way.
- Hey, has anyone noticed that port 6973 has been getting accessed by an anonymous old school port sniffer on servers in widening circles from Kashyyyk? But it’s not like that’s being used for any attacks. I don’t know, since I don’t do much slicing in Assembly Code anymore. Any elder slicers know what’s up?
- I found a few datasets in the trash files of the Intergalactic Mining Corp that say that the terraforming on Kalee didn’t take well, and that it’s still a very harsh planet. Not like that’ll deter folks with gold in their eyes, though.
- Ugghh… my work just installed the new Empirisoft Office suite on all our terminals, and they changed all the menus of where everything is. Plus they use goofy, non-intuitive icons instead of the old drop down lists with simple words. How is this an upgrade?
- The Empire announced recently that, after a surprise visit from Emperor Palpatine himself, all unrest on the planet Mandalore has been put to rest. The Emperor signed an accord with the new Mandalorian planetary government, called the “Dark Blade Accord”, which guarantees increased resource production for Imperial projects in exchange for Imperial support in any local police matters. This Accord also officially makes Mandalore an Imperial planet indefinitely, with all rights and responsibilities inherent in that designation. As a side note, we are told that the agreement takes its name from an ancient Mandalorian weapon that was a symbol of unity for the people of that planet.
- The Empire recently sent out a memo to all employees reminding them that regional holidays such as the so-called “Life Day” are not officially recognized by Imperial law, and any reports of sick time or other interruptions in work during this time will be investigated thoroughly.
- We’re getting reports of rumors that Governor Jackson Coventry may not be long in his position in the Arkanis sector. Reports of resource mis-management are running rampant, and all signs point to the top. Imperial Inquisitor Tremayne had this to say: [cut to Tremayne, who sounds slightly coached… but only because you’ve heard him speak normally] “I do not wish to further rumors. Lieutenant Coventry is a competent soldier, however, and soldiers are not always the best at administration. There are several military campaigns against small insurgencies that may make better use of the Lieutenant’s skills, but those decisions will be made by the Emperor himself.” So there you have it, not looking good for the Arkanis sector’s number one guy. Our only question now is: who will take Coventry’s place?
- Tashi Station is offering you BIG BIG deals with LOW LOW prices on power converters of all kinds. AC to DC, 3-prong to USB, Dilithium to Proto-culture, Solar to Un-obtanium, and even iPhone12s to iPhone12s Mini! Don’t miss out on your chance to pick up these action-filled power converters, or you’ll be stuck at home whining to your relatives about how nothing exciting ever happens to you.
- KHAOS ON KASHYYYK!!! Conflicting reports are coming in, so we cannot verify any of this, but certain sources are claiming that a ship of some considerable size has somehow crashed into the command deck of the SSD Executor in orbit above the embattled planet of Kashyyyk. It is unknown if this was an Imperial or other vessel. Whether this was a horrible accident, some kind of equipment failure, or a deliberate attack remains to be seen. It appears that the Executor is still functioning with secondary command posts taking over, and Grand Admiral Thrawn appears to have sent aide from his ships nearby. Little is known right now about whether Admiral Ozzel survived, or what other damages to the Super Star Destroyer may have occurred. It seems almost certain that, if this was a planned attack, any personnel aboard the ship that crashed would have been killed. We will bring you more updates as they are available.
- LIFE DAY E-CARD: [Picture of cartoony bothan] “Sweetheart, this Life Day, buying presents for you is my number one priority.”
- ZERO DARK FURRY: [text identifies human male shown as Admiral Kendel Ozzel, aboard the Executor]
“Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the people of the Empire and to the galaxy that the Empire has conducted an operation that killed Lumpawarroo, leader of a Wookiee rebellion, and a terrorist who’s responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children.”
“Today, at my direction, the Empire launched a targeted operation against a compound in the Black Forest of Kashyyyk. A small team of Imperial Special Forces soldiers carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No Imperials were harmed. They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, they killed Lumpawarroo and took custody of his body.”
“Yet his death does not mark the end of our effort. There’s no doubt that more Wookiee rebels will continue to pursue attacks against us. We must –- and we will — remain vigilant at home and abroad. Thank you, and long live the Empire.”
- Kuat Drive Yards reminds you that it’s about that time again. If Life day is visible on your calendar, it must mean that are here at last. We’ve got galaxy-shattering deals on new 121-B Interstellar Yachts. Wow at the savings on a brand new KV Swoops. And get ready to be chased by stormtroopers at the CRIMINAL deals you’ll get on refurbished Z-95 Headhunters that have been through our 195 point used starship inspection process. Kuat-a-thon only comes once a year. Don’t miss it!
December 2014 Hacker Info (As you guys leave Dagobah and suddenly are no longer having signals clouded by swamp gas, you get access to LOTS of new information)
- I heard that it was a hijacked imperial munitions transport that crashed into the Executor, and that the pilots were part of some kind of crazy wookieee death cult
- That Executor strike was totally a revenge killing. Word is that angry wookiees were taking revenge against Admiral Ozzek for all the slaughter down on Kashyyyk.
- I heard that the fires on Kashyyyk burned some ancient forest religious site that got the Wookiees all up-in-arms.
- play the game that was BANNED by the Imperial Academy for being TOO ADULT and distracting recruits. God of Battlefields 4: Special Ops is the most addicting kingdom building game on Forcebook! Be sure to invite your friends. [note: in reality, this one turns out to be a Farmville clone, but you grow “troops” instead of vegetables]
- I heard that Zebulon Chesterfield III is in a prime spot to take that Governor job in the Arkanis Sector.
- I heard that Grand Admiral Thrawn wants to retire, and if he does well on Kashyyyk, might be the one to get control of the Arkanis sector
- Imperial Express Login Attempt. Valued Member, An attempt was make to login to your Account. This attempt was blocked and for your protection we are disabled your account. To reactivate your Account please click the link below and follow instructions. With most sincerely, Imperial.Express@info.ru
- there is a partial data file with fragmented bits of data from Thrawn’s ship appearing to give additional information to the strike team about a last minute change in Lumpawarroo’s location
- I’ve been noticing a systematic deletion of any references in the media (or other forums) to that whole IG-88 thing. What ever happened with that? [note… post gets deleted soon after, and is only found in cached copies of mirror sites for a brief time]
-Twilek dancer datapad hack! See the hundreds of pictures they NEVER THOUGHT would go public. Just download the codec normal.exe to view in high-resolution!
- P30pL3 N3wZ1, the most ‘leet progressive/slicer, tell-it-like-it-really-is news team in the galaxy, is bringing you exclusive footage that may be shocking. We go to our correspondent RaZoR who has this special report… [cut to largely pixellated (for anonymity) image of a Razor from movie Hackers] That’s right, I’m decrypting hyperlane booey data I “happened upon” from the Arkanis sector, and there are some BIG things going on around Geonosis, which the Empire has “conveniently” quarantined. I also got a few pictures from an environmental research droid on that planet which has “mysteriously” gone silent now. I can’t really tell from the images, but they’re either giant bugs on the lens, or some new kind of organic starships the Empire doesn’t want us to know about. See for yourself, and don’t let them stop the signal of truth!
-Rebel Crush Saga announces 10 new levels for mobile platforms, with the addition of the ultra rare Han Solo token, which can only be destroyed by matching tiles in the shape of a certain Bothan hero.
- More Deaths on Kashyyyk. Latest Imperial military figures say that as many as 10 hard-working storm troopers were killed fighting wildfires on the embattled planet of Kashyyyk. Wookiee insurgents are also said to have suffered heavy losses.
- Come along. You belong. Feel the fizz, of Dooku Cola!
- WANTED: Heavy Freighter pilots for massive metal transport jobs. Contact Bakura Mining Corp for details.
- TWILEK-CIZE. Come try the newest dance fitness craze that’s sweeping the nation. Join Twyla Davros [shots of a fit human woman] as she shows you how to shed those pounds and dance just like a Twilek! 45 minute info-mercial follows, showing all humans, occasionally wearing head scarves in a “Twilek Style”.
- LeMarc Funeral set for tomorrow. The popular politician Ject LeMarc will be laid to rest tomorrow on Mandalore, in a high-profile Imperial ceremony that is expected to draw large crowds. Initial reports of rabble-rousers planning to disrupt the funeral have been unconfirmed, but the entire planet is in mourning over the loss of this great hero, who ushered the planet into a new era of prosperity with the Empire.
- THRAWN TAKES CHARGE. After what appeared to be a bureaucratic mix-up, it appears that Grand Admiral Thrawn has taken point in operations around Kashyyyk, with the SSD “Executor” holding position while the Grand Admiral begins to direct troops.
- Kashyyyk Sheik Helps Our Troops. We have received reports that our boys in white are using fashion accessories designed as part of the “Kashyyyk Sheik” line to aide in their infiltration of the heavily forested regions of the Wookiee homeworld where rioting Wookiee terrorists are said to be hiding. That’s Imperial Intelligence at it’s finest, and we don’t expect the rebellious beasts to last for long.
- FIRE! In certain parts of Kashyyyk, Wookies have resorted to fighting Imperial ground forces by lighting their massive forests on fire. While this has slowed Imperial ground efforts in many regions, ultimately they are just destroying their own hiding places. [cut to Imperial AT-AT commander, identified as Cmdr. Laurence Powell in text below his image] “These wookiees are just animals. Rioting. Burning their own homes. It’s insane. They just need to be put down, for their own good, as well as for the rest of us.”
- AIDE SHIPS ATTACKED! Medics Without Borders has reported that a flight of 3 medium freighters filled with medical and food supplies for refugees on Kashyyyk has been shot down by wookieee insurgents in the region. Also disabled were several Imperial vessels escorting the ships. We’ve got exclusive footage of Imperial Cmdr Stacey Koon, the heroic pilot who saved the crew of his damaged vehicle and the storm troopers on board. [cut to Imperial officer with black eye & gash across his head] “We were just trying to bring help to these dumb savages. They’re shooting down the folks that art trying to help them. If this is what Wookieees do to medics and charity workers, what choice do we have but to take them all into custody?”
- Geonosis quarantined. Reports are conflicting, but news is coming out that some sort of biological agent has been released on Geonosis, causing the entire planet to be quarantined. Starships are directed to avoid the area, and Imperial military vessels are trying to set up a very wide perimeter around the area. Governor Coventry released a statement saying that he was taking all appropriate steps to deal with the problem.
- Bakura Mining gets key Imperial contract. With unrest growing across the galaxy, Imperial engineers have begun construction of a super space station, larger than even the new Super Star Destroyer class ships, and Bakura Mining has gotten a contract to provide a majority of the internal metals for this project. Currently known only by its code identifier “DS2”, this space station will enable rapid deployment of ships to all sectors of the galaxy, and will help provide a military base in sectors where upheaval is increasing.
- WHAT BINKS THINKS: In our ongoing segment following former Chommell sector senator Jar Jar Binks, we catch up with video from his “walkabout” around the galaxy. Today, he visits Mandalore: "Thank you, Kent. [video of JarJar walking around a clean Mandalorian capital building] Meesa was muy muy scared at first to come to Mandalore, thinking because muy bad people like Death Watch be coming from here in past times. But good news, everybody! Theysa not a problem anymore. Meesa old friend Obi used to say that there was lossa great beauty on Mandalore, and meesa seeing it for meesa self now. Of course, some folks being muy sad over death of Administrator LeMark, cause heesa being a big help to the people. But now someone new be getting elected, so meesa seeing democracy of the Empire working good!
- This is Lewis Prothero, a Voice of the Empire. [image of clean-cut human blow-hard] I don’t have anything like facts to back this up, but I’m just saying… we put an alien like Thrawn in charge of a complex Imperial operation like the one on Kashyyyk, probably through some liberal affirmative action program or some other malarky, and now suddenly we’re hearing about riots and doctors getting killed? Seems pretty fishy to me. We were fine with a human running things, and I’m not saying that Thrawn is inferior like so many other aliens we’ve seen… but couldn’t it be that the Wookieees see him as weaker than a proper human administrator? I’m just asking the questions everyone is thinking. Sure, aliens are great for many things, like that Binks fellow who goes around studying other human cultures, but do we really want them in charge, and teaching other humans their inferior ways? And now Thrawn’s best student, the governor of the Arkanis sector, is seeing his own planets try to take advantage of him. And he’s a HUMAN. it just goes to show what the appearance of alien influence can do to the perception of humans in power. I’m Lewis Prothero, a Voice of the Empire. Strength through Unity. Unity through Strength. And even if alien middle-managers make it an uphill battle, the Empire Remains.
NOVEMBER STUFF HEARD IN CHAT ROOMS & ON “SPACE 4CHAN”
- 25 Imperial uniform fails you WILL NOT BELIEVE
- Anyone else think this Thrawn guy might just be a human with the hues on the video feed messed up?
- What’s the key ingredient if you want to make a meal that folks forget? Fenn-el! Seriously, what happened to that guy?
- Check out this SEXY spread of former Galactic senate diplomats. They don’t make laws anymore, but they can certainly bring YOU to quorum.
- I heard that the “Medics Without Borders” ships were actually carrying elite storm troopers and heavy weapons.
- I heard that the wookieees eat any imperials they shoot out of the sky.
- I donated to Prothero’s super-PAC, and now I got this great Empire Remains bumper sticker for my speeder bike!
- Comment posted below “Binks Thinks” vid… I’m a stupid moron the Empire uses to distract from what’s going on. And also I have no idea what I’m talking about. Oh, and I look like a cross between a fish and a starship crash. TLDR: Binks DOESN’T THINK.
- My droids have been acting weird. Think they’ve got that virus thing. I can get a refund, right?
- RON PAUL 2012!!!
- Your MOM’S a gungan!
- That’s not what sheesa saying last night!
- Dude, what does that even mean?
- WOOKIEE TERROR! We have just received reports that wookiee terrorists successfully highjacked a lambda class shuttle on Kashyyyk, loaded it with explosives, and crashed it into one of the Imperial Star Destroyers in orbit above the embattled planet.
- the new comedy line-up on ICTV includes hilarity of the puppet comedy Starship Cosby, where zany characters engage in ill-informed antics, hopefully not crashing their ship. This week, the Cosby Crew meets a food delivery droid, but fears he might be a REBEL TERRORIST in disguise!
- MANDALORIAN VIGIL Current Mandalorian Administrator Jekt LeMarc has come down with what doctors are calling a likely terminal case of Stygian Flu. The moderate administrator oversaw the planet’s entry into the Galactic Empire after the end of the Clone Wars, and has been a competent Imperial official well-loved by his fellow Mandalorians. Rumors persist that should he die, rebel terrorist sympathizers using the name of the old terrorist group Death Watch may try to take some action against the Empire, though Imperial military officials assure us that these rumors are unfounded.
- BOTHAN UNREST! We’re hearing early reports of a possible power shift in the Bothan sector. Will pro-Imperial administrators bring the systems closer to the Imperial ideal? Will fearful politicians make the sector stay uncommitted? Are separatist elements on Bothaui responsible for reports of resurging Trade Federation vessels? We have no answers at this time, but stay with us for up-to-the-minute coverage of this potentially shocking story.
- KASHYYYK KHAOS! Our reporter on-scene is stating that the recently-arrived Super Star Destroyer “Executor” and its support vessels do not appear to be acting in concert with the also recently arrived fleet of returning Grand Admiral Thrawn in the space around the embattled planet Kashyyyk. While a ground war with rioting wookies supposedly rages on the ground, it is unclear which Imperial force will take charge of this situation. The Empire so far has provided no comment.
- GEONOSIS AGAIN?!? Looks like Arkanis Sector Governor Jackson Coventry is having trouble keeping his sector in line. The former military man has called for massive help from the Core Worlds to deal with problems on (no surprise here) GEONOSIS. When are we going to admit that those bugs just need to be nuked back to the Jedi era? The only good bug is a dead bug.
OCT STUFF WRITTEN ON BATHROOM STALL DOORS/ THINGS THAT GUY AT THE BAR SAID
- I heard LeMarc is ill and fading fast. Someone said he won’t last a week.
- Someone said that a group called New Death Watch is ready to start riots on Mandalore if the Empire tries to claim LeMarc as their hero.
- I heard that “lamda shuttle” on Kashyyyk was actually a missile fired by a different Imperial ship.
- Weesa seeing that new Cosby comedy on them holovids, and the waysa theysa speaking being muy very much like Gungan talking. Weesa thinkin theysa totally stereotypin Gungans. Theysa racists!
- LeMarc is a hero of the people of Mandalore, and is responsible for many lives that the Empire would have ended when they took over. As he dies, the Empire is trying to turn him into THEIR hero, polluting all the good he did to ensure that Mandalore stayed as free as possible under the oppressive Imperial restrictions.
- For a good time, call 555-867-5309
- I heard the new YT-2403s have loose hyperdrive motivators, making them sometimes drop out of hyperspace suddenly and killing some pilots & crews. They’re totally covering it up, though. Wake up, sheeple!
- For a better time, call your mom.
- The debate on Kashyyyk is clearly one of force vs FORCE. Any learned academic can clearly see that Grand Admiral Thrawn will not promote a policy of genocide, while the Executor’s Admiral Kendal Ozzek is a Clone Wars veteran who wants to prove he’s worthy of his new command ship, and likely wants to bombard Kashyyyk and kill all the wookiees there. It’s obvious to anyone who knows what they’re talking about, which I assure you, I do.
- I would call your mom, but she charges too much per minute
- You know, I’ll bet if you shaved Fenn Kithra and made him bend over, he’d look a lot like Emperor Palpatine. Just saying… I’ve never seen the two of them in the same room together at the same time.
- BATTLEDROID RETURN?!? Reports are piling in from various planets of troop transport ships similar to those used by the Separatist droid forces during the Clone Wars. The Empire has denied such rumors, but has been said to be ramping up production of military hardware. Could this be to deal with the growing droid threat?
- Tonight on StarFire… DROIDS: Evil Threat or Misunderstood Malady? We’ll speak with experts on both sides of the issue.
- How do you like them Apples? Reports have just come in that former pop-star and droid Sharon Apple is no more. The apartment in which the droid has been residing was blown apart by unknown forces, and the remains of the droid’s hardware were confirmed to have been “damaged beyond repair” by expert technicians. Empirasound Inc, the former producer of Apple’s music, had already cut ties with the performer, but released a statement saying they were “saddened that violence was the unfortunate end to the performer’s existence.”
- More troops sent to Kashyyyk. An official statement from the Imperial Army states that 6 more platoons of soldiers, including a heavy vehicle brigade, have been committed to the ongoing civil unrest on Kashyyyk.
- Imperial Might to be Re-Established. We have exclusive information that the new Super Star Destroyer “The Executor” has been sent on its first mission to the wookie homeworld of Kashyyyk to aid in the ongoing police efforts there.
- Wookies to sing the Blues. In addition to other forces being sent to the Wookie world of Kashyyyk, we have just received reports that Grand Admiral Thrawn, freshly returning from his voyages beyond the outer rim, will bring his fleet to bear on the embattled wookie planet.
SEPT LESS-REPUTABLE INFO/STUFF IN THE COMMENTS SECTION
- Those battle droid ships are totally working for IG-88.
- I heard the “battle droid ships” are just decoys put out by the Empire to justify more troops & military spending.
- Somebody told me that the Emperor himself is actually a robot.
- Dude, that Thrawn guy is just a puppet. The empire would never actually let a non-human do anything important like be a grand admiral.
- KASHYYYK KRACK-DOWN! Imperial sources are telling us that martial law has been declared on the Wookie home world of Kashyyk as many separatist groups are trying to incite open revolt in the streets. Or trees… or whatever they have there.
- WOOKIE WAR! Some people are saying that Imperials have declared martial law on the Wookie home world of Kashyyk as many separatist groups are trying to incite open revolt in the streets. Some people are even saying that these hairy rebels are “barking up the wrong tree”!
- HAIR KNOT! Those wookies just can’t seem to live peacably. Insiders in the Empire have told us that martial law has been declared on the Wookie homeworld of Kashik as hundreds of the hairy beasts have been pounding their chests and throwing rocks in protest of basic Imperial civilization. Those animals!
- WOOKIES HATE EDUCATION & HEALTH CARE! Looks like the wookies are too dumb to care about the health care, education, and industry the Empire has been offering them. The hairy simpletons obviously have no idea what’s good for them.
- In a special 3 month engagement, Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes will be playing the spaceport bar outside Remus Base on Siskeen. Come for the music, stay for the cocktails.
- In a symbolic gesture that likely spells the end of her career, crowds of angry citizens on Coruscant, Correllia, and other core worlds have been getting together to have “Apple-Burning” parties where they torch large piles of albums & memorobilia from the droid singer Sharon Apple. This is, of course, in response to the recent droid attacks, and the theory that Apple was somehow involved. We have no word on whether or not the droid even understands sorrow enough to feel it as its only purpose for existing goes down in flames. [footage of raucous burning parties, like was done with the Dixie Chicks a while back]
- Responding to growing unrest on Kashyyyk, the Empire has just revealed that it partially subsidized the construction of the Avatar Orbital Platform above the planet. The primary backer for the project was the Black Scale Clan from Trandosha. Black Scale will be overseeing most day-to-day administration of the facility. The platform went active today, and will be used both for defensive purposes and to help redirect Wookie aggression into more productive jobs off-world.
- As a part of the restructuring of the Empire after the dissolution of the Galactic Senate, Emperor Palpatine has sent his Imperial Inquisitors to meet with regional Governors and inspect their sectors.
- Some reports are saying that the Inquisitorial visits may also be intended to ferret out any malfunctioning droids or remaining rebel terrorist cells.
- What ever happened to Fenn Kithra? Wasn’t he going to take down that Solo guy? We haven’t heard anything from him in, like, almost a month! Guess it goes to show how well Bothans can stay focused on one task before getting distracted.
- In a move that has sent stock prices tumbling for already struggling droid companies, the Emperor announced today that Mechis III, a large droid-making facility, would be shut down for the good of the Empire.
- The Bakura Mining Company has just announced unprecedented expansion. While they haven’t announced specifics, insiders say that the amount of spending likely indicates a big resource find beyond the Outer Rim, where they are basically the only company. Stockholders are raking in huge profits as everyone tries to get a piece of whatever it is BMC has found.
- DROIDPOCALYPSE: All around the galaxy, citizens are banding together to destroy droids that may have acted out as a result of the recent bug [video of piles of droid parts being burned at backyard barbecues and such], which many are calling an attack by a Rebel sympathizer. It is not known if any Slicer has taken credit for this, but if they have, they’re not being very public about it.
- Empirisoft Patch 2600 is offering unprecedented discounts when you buy 10 or more copies. Make sure every droid in your home and workplace has been innoculated against the evil viruses used by Rebel terrorists. Note: ES2600 not compatible with some models, including TI-84 and i-Phone 4s.
- The Empire has just announced that a new type of star destroyer, labeled a “Super Star Destroyer” will be unveiled by our glorious Emperor soon. It is clear now that the push among many mining & refining planets was to gain material for this massive project. The first of this line, the “Executor”, measures at a whopping 19,000 meters and reportedly cost more than a billion credits to construct.
- We have an exclusive scoop that Admiral Kendal Ozzek, an Imperial hero from the Clone Wars, has been selected as the commander of the new SSD “The Executor”. When contacted for comment, he had this to say. “I am… truly humbled. This is more starship than I thought possible.” Reports say that the Executor may be the largest man-made object ever in space, dwarfing known space stations.
AUGUST LESS-REPUTABLE INFO (not as accurate without a slicer to get the good stuff)
I heard that Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes actually had to replace Figrin with another performer. They even held secret auditions to find another Bith who played just as well as Fiery Figrin, who is supposedly laid up with some kind of awful disease. I heard he picked it up from a dancer on Tattooine, but what do I know?
- I heard the Empire didn’t really offer any education or health care to the wookies.
- Somebody told me that the if you shave a wookie, you lose like 50% of their body weight.
- Some guys I know “on the inside” are telling me that a lot of the Imperial ground hardware, like AT-ATs and such, are running REALLY outdated software, and that the hardware is like, a decade old with almost no maintenance.
- A Mace Windu Holocron just sold for 2 billion credits on Galactic EBay, though the Empire took down record of the sale pretty quickly. Fortunately, the buyer used BitCredit, so they’ll never be able to track him down.
- This guy I know out on Siskeen said he saw Boba Fett out there hunting some monsters in the snow. Man, I would hate to be whatever penguin pissed THAT guy off!
- ASK.HOLONET: So since we don’t have senators anymore, how do we vote to change stuff in the galaxy anymore? I’m so confused. Maybe I should just send a letter to the Emperor with my grievances.
- Learn the one weird, all natural trick that TIE pilots use to increase their reaction time…
- I heard the Wookies are getting all up-in-arms (like, literally). Good thing that new Avatar thing is working now.
- Wish I lived at the edge of the galaxy. I need a job! Plus, I hear Bakura Mining doesn’t hire droids, so I’m practically a shoo-in.
- Dude, there’s some rich lizard guy in charge of Black Sun now. Can you imagine? A lizard crime lord?
- I heard that the Executor will be entirely staffed by droids, and that IG-88 is the real commander.
- I heard that no droids will be allowed on the Executor, and that its crew will be more than 300,000!
- They’re going to use special trackers on the Executor to track down and destroy all droids in the galaxy.
- Well, I heard that Han Solo actually got killed, but that the remnants of the Rebellion hid his body in the walls of the Executor, so that nobody will ever find him and his legend will inspire rebels for years to come.
- THERE WILL BE 10 BROTHELS ON THE EXECUTOR!
- I heard the Executor uses regular star destroyers as escape pods!
- A guy I know told me that they actually used rancors in space suits to put on some of the bigger pieces of the Executor.
- In the wake of the recent droid malfunctions, our glorious Emperor has signed into law new regulations regarding droids. It is hoped that these new laws will prevent troublesome droids from causing any more problems across our great Galactic Empire.
- As a part of a sweeping crack-down on droid provacateurs, the bounty hunting droid known as IG-88 has been declared an enemy of the Empire. While ordinary citizens are instructed not to engage this droid directly, they are encouraged to contact their local Imperial authorities the moment they see the droid.
- 13 Things Droids Can Never Destroy. (Number 3 had me cheering, number 8 brought me to tears)
- We have an exclusive report with one citizen who has actually encountered the feared criminal IG-88. Let’s hear what he has to say… [cut to young human with bandaged hand] “Yeah, so me and my bros met IG-88 at a party at some rich dude’s house, and he totally attacked me. I held him off by punching him in the face, but he totally messed up my hand.” We should note that Imperial officials have not verified this man’s story, and that hand-to-hand engagement of the criminal droid is strongly discouraged.
- BREAKING NEWS: Across the Empire, reports of droids going rogue and attacking citizens are widespread. Early reports indicate that all affected droids had NOT installed the Empirisoft Anti-Virus patch 2600 as recommended. While no deaths have yet been reported, affected droids have been getting melted down on planets across the galaxy.
- Sources within the Imperial military are suggesting (off the record) that the recent droid uprising may be an attempt at intergalactic disruption by old sympathizers of the Trade Federation. While droid armies and most armed droids have been made illegal by the Imperial Senate prior to its dissolution, word is that new, harsher anti-droid laws may be on the way. Stocks in many droid creation companies have been dropping dramatically as a result.
- We have a galactic exclusive interview with a REBEL SYMPATHIZER who claims the recent droid-born attacks were a revenge tactic from Rebel Terrorist Cells who don’t realize the war is over. Tune in for our Exclusive Interview!
- Cybot Galactica is assuring customers across the galaxy that its protocol and other non-military droids are COMPLETELY SAFE. All new droids from Cybot are now coming with the Empirisoft 2600 patch installed as standard software. Meanwhile, reports that some Cybot droids were involved in the recent incidents are inconclusive, and even in those cases where a Cybot droid was reported to have fired a weapon, no injuries were reported.
- The IGF Network (Imperial Glory Forever) is scheduled to release a new drama this fall entitled “The Thin White Armor”, looking at fictionalized versions of the real-life problems faced in a storm trooper barracks on a rebel-heavy outer rim world. With a soundtrack composed by Imperial virtuoso Weh-dun, featuring the original song “We Can Take the Sky From You,” this series looks to be a serious drama that deals with the difficult situations faced by our boys in white every day.
- Empirisoft is scheduled to release the latest edition of Full Spectrum Warrior in the next 3 months, where players can act out the dangerous tactical missions our storm troopers go through every day. Features include enhanced rebel scum AI, tactical missions against enemies modelled after real-life space pirates, and home base architecture that exactly matches uniform code Imperial installations. Pre-orders also gain access to the exclusive “Thin White Armor” bonus DLC. Empirisoft reminds players to stay strong: Storm Trooper Strong.
- Kashyyk Shiek, which did not have the immediate popularity hoped for among humans, has found a surprise market among traditionally hairless races like the Siniteen, the Sakiyan, and the Muun. Designer Giancarlo de la Booster claims that this was his goal all along, “to capture a raw, alien energy that perhaps only another alien could fully appreciate.”
- Grain shipments from the planets known unofficially as the “Farming Sector” were up 23% last year. Forecasters indicate this will cause a galactic drop in prices, which means the Empire is once again making life and happiness easier for its citizens.
- A minor disturbance on Kashyyk lead to the capture of several hold-out Rebel terrorists there. One storm trooper general on the scene was quoted as saying “The poor hairy beasts don’t realize they’ve already lost.”
- Lumber contracts on Kashyyk have recently opened up. Investors and lumber companies are racing to put together proposals for the Imperial administrator of that sector.
- “The Data They Carried”, a touching look through the recovered datapads of Imperial Storm Troopers who died during the Yavin Incident, has recently been released to critical acclaim. The story includes letters home, diary entries, and first-hand accounts of what our heroes go through on the front lines against the vile rebel terrorists who hate the many freedoms the Empire provides.
- Coruscant Knights’ star forward Yuri Kalashnikov was seen exiting a restaurant with a Falleen on his arm. It is unclear how his family, famous arms merchants known for their pro-human stance, feel about this development, but our reporters are thinking it’s “not good”.
- The Empire is suggesting, out of caution over the unlikely reports of some kind of super-virus, that all droid owners have their droids wiped in the next day or so, and then that you automatically download Empirisoft Anti-Virus patch 2600 to all droids. While the Empire stresses that there has been no credibly evidence of a virus, they suggest downloading the latest patch to your droids anyway, as it offers enhanced security to keep your droids functioning properly. If you are concerned about your droids’ behavior, officials suggest that you report these incidents to your local authorities and perhaps that you keep droids powered down for the next day or so while Imperial Data Managers seek out any malicious criminals who may be attempting a droid-related cyber-crime.
- Watch this Toydarian baby (sort-of) flying around while its parents try to change its diaper. You won’t believe what happens next!
JULY UNOFFICIAL/SLICER INFO
- IG-88 has responded in some circles to the recent declaration of its criminality. An encoded message is going out to other IG droids (intercepted by the slicer who posted this), encouraging them to join him in destroying “all weak flesh in the galaxy”.
- IG-88 is just an Imperial fairy tale, dreamed up to draw the public’s attention away from the fact that their feline poster boy still hasn’t caught Han Solo.
- I heard that IG-88 actually works for the Empire. These screen caps clearly show his model’s body type in the Imperial Capital Building on Coruscant.
- Some people are referring to the recent droid attacks as the “Republic Day Massacre”, though official Imperial sources are not using that term.
- curiously, it seems like all the droid attacks from the RDM were non-fatal.
- some folks are saying that the whole RDM thing was a trick by Empirisoft to get more folks to download their software. If that’s the case, it looks like they’ve succeeded. My counters on their servers show that they’ve had millions of first-time downloads since the attacks occurred.
- while early speculation was that Ghostmind was behind the countdown scare, he/she/it has made no additional statements/posts since the Republic Day Massacre.
- the “royalty” that the Empire captured from Yavin is said to be Princess Leia Organa from Alderaan. One slicer got a hold of some of her medical records, though, and he concludes that it’s unlikely she’ll ever be in a condition where she can actually speak again.
- “Republic Day” is coming up [some time during the 7/17 game], though the Empire has forbidden any mention of the celebration of the founding of the Old Republic. [Sort of like China does with the Tienanmen Square anniversary].
- the “minor disturbance” on Kashyyk was actually preparations for a peaceful celebration of Republic Day. Women and children were slaughtered, according to some reports, and a large forested sector of the planet was cleared when retaliatory strikes were initiated by other Wookiee natives.
- Some of the “in the know” slicers have noted that their droids have recently been randomly inserting a phrase here or there saying “Only X days left” in the middle of other statements. Speculation is that some slicer (maybe Ghost Mind, maybe someone with access to droid factories, maybe an old Trade Federation sympathizer with a grudge) is planning something big, and all the day amounts listed are counting down to Republic Day. Curiously, only slicer’s droids appear to have been infected with this countdown worm, but that may be the perpetrating slicer giving a professional warning to others in the community. No one knows for sure.
- Rumor has it that one of the surviving rebels recovered on Yavin was a royal from some planet in the Empire. Word is that all recovered rebels were horribly scarred by radiation from the Rebel Super Weapon, but it seems Imperial investigators (likely lead by High Inquisitor Tremayne) hope that this royal prisoner, if s/he ever recovers enough to be able to speak, may shed light into how the rebels managed to infiltrate important families in the Empire.
- A single post in a long-dead slicer BBS has been getting some attention from slicers:
“2600 is not a fun number, or maybe it’s the most fun. Time will tell. -GM”
Speculation is that this was actually posted by the slicer known as Ghostmind.
- Coruscant Knights Win in Overtime! The Galaxy Cup has new champions, and they’re from a little planet called Coruscant. Their rags-to-riches story will be dramatized in a new holo-film, “The Mighty Knights”, soon.
- Having successfully put down militant locals in the outer rim, Admiral Thrawn has announced he will be returning to the core worlds with his fleet in approximately 6 months’ time. Grand celebrations are planned on Coruscant for the return of the most famous non-human Imperial hero. Calls for comment to Fenn Kithra were not returned at time of broadcast.
- This 10-year old Imperial supporter who took the stage name “Lil’ Fenn” wowwed the judges with his vocal rendition of the Imperial Anthem on Bothawui’s Got Talent last night. Just watch.
- This minok hatchling fell into the path of this baby bantha. You won’t believe what happened next.
- Racers are lining up for the Preakness 5000, Correllia’s premiere podracing event. Controversy has plagued the planet’s most famous race this year, as event organizers have said that no active military personnel may enter the race. We’ll have more as this story develops.
- Former Chommell Sector senator and political ally of Emperor Palpatine Jar Jar Binks has embarked on what he calls a “walkabout” to visit every planet in the Empire. While none of us can know what the zany Gungan is thinking, we’re sure that it’ll produce the same amusing antics his race is known for. We’ll have regular updates from the man himself over the next year in our new segment: “What Binks Thinks”.
- Imperial Hero Fenn Kithra has been reported to have chased the terrorist rebel Han Solo to the other end of the galaxy, nearly catching him in the gas mining colony of Cloud City in the Bespin system. Cloud City Administrator Lando Calrissian was quoted as saying that Kithra would have caught the infamous smuggler if not for a series of dirty bombs he’d hidden on Kithra’s landing platform (brief explosion footage from Bespin shown). Don’t worry, though, the Imperial Hero escaped unharmed, and vows to chase down the terrorist where ever he may go (archive footage of Fenn saying “He’s my number one priority” shown).
- Emperor Palpatine attended the Festival of Watercraft on his home planet of Naboo this weekend. Ship builders from around the planet gather together once a year to showcase the most amazing feats of engineering prowess on their seaworthy vessels. The Emperor said he was “pleasantly surprised” by many of the ships he saw. The Emperor then sat in as Regional Governor Zeos Nyne signed a document solidifying the rules governing the Gungan Labor force on that planet for another 10 years.
- Spacer Tape: there’s a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together. Better than your grandparents’ religion. Spacer Tape, available at retailers everywhere.
- Upheaval in Bothan Space! Reports have been surfacing that there is some sort of power struggle going on with the Bothan ruling council currently. Some reports claim the upheaval is somehow connected with the events in the Yavin system, and some are speculating that there may be Bothans who sympathize or even directly support the terrorist rebellion.
- Kashyyk Shiek. Intergalactic fashion icon Giancarlo de la Booster has just come out with his new line, and it’s rather hairy. The designer says his new line is inspired by the “nobleness” of the wookie race, with hairy attachments barely concealing the modesty of those who wear them, but hinting at a much greater animal ferocity underneath. De la Booster, a human, has claimed that he consulted with at least one wookie while designing this fashion line.
JUNE UNOFFICIAL/SLICER INFO
- The Galaxy Cup game was totally rigged, and there were no “rags” in their rags-to-riches story. They’re all highly-trained pros purchased to ensure the team’s victory.
- I heard that Palpatine is actually a droid and the REAL decisions are made by Vader and the Imperial Admirals
- I have proof that the Yavin thing was actually an Imperial super weapon… [transmission abruptly ended]
- D0K+0r D00M totally hacked a secret storm trooper clone facility, and now there are batches of clones that have a birthmark that looks like his armored fist tag sign on the back of their necks.
- That minok/bantha video is absolutely a fake. Minoks & Banthas don’t even live in the same environments.
- Jar Jar Binks is actually a rebel sympathizer, and his grand journey is a cover for doing work with a new Rebellion.
- Imperial naval yards have been working overtime, increasing orders for raw materials, as the Empire appears to be rebuilding after the large devastation left by the Yavin incident.
- The Correllian Bootleggers are set to face off against the Coruscant Knights in the Galaxy Cup Football match next month. Tickets are already sold out, and reports of after-market prices say that scalpers are getting between 5,000-10,000 credits for the cheapest of seats.
- The Hashtag #RememberYavin has been trending on holo-media sites lately, with family members and friends posting the stories of loved ones they had on Imperial vessels that were destroyed by the Terrorist Superweapon before Lord Vader destroyed it. Let’s talk with K’Marin down in Galaxy Today’s Orange Room to learn what our favorite celebrities are posting under this hashtag…
- Pod Racing Champ Victor Antillar stirred up some controversy when he accidentally mistook the Coruscant Ambassador from Kashyyk as cleaning personnel when he ordered the Ambassador to clean up a catering display the pilot had just knocked into. Some say Antillar was a bit tipsy at the time. Rumors are that the pod racer may be entering a rehab clinic to get back into racing shape soon. No word yet on what this means for the pilot’s status in the TIE Pilot Academy.
- Casting rumors for the upcoming thriller “The Bothan Conspiracy” include Garrik “The Face of Lorrd” Loran, and you won’t believe what a sex-pot the child star has grown into! We’re also hearing reports that Imperial Hero Fenn Kithra may have a guest role in the film about how wicked Bothans smuggled plans for the super-weapon that Lord Vader recently destroyed.
- Rioting on Rodia has quieted since news of Lord Vader’s victory in the Yavin sector.
- Somber tones as Emperor Palpatine observed a galaxy-wide moment of silence for all the brave Imperial souls lost in the battle to destroy Rebel terrorists at Yavin.
- Solo, but never alone. Reports from helpful community informants have been flying all over the galaxy regarding Imperial enemy #1: Han Solo. Local governor inboxes are overflowing with supposed sightings of the smuggler, and some reports say that Imperial Hero Fenn Kithra reads each one as he continues his quest to rid the galaxy of that scum.
MAY UNOFFICIAL/SLICER INFO:
- I heard that folks are seeing lights on in the old droid plants on Geonosis. Them droids are coming back to kill us all. That’s what you get when you let them talk about rights. They want another Clone War, is what they want!
- Dude, some of the factories on Hypori have also had lights seen inside of them. But I think
that’s probably squatters. Jobs among colonists are at an all-time low right now on Hypori.
- I’m totally going to go streaking through those factories. Damned droids will have no clue what to do with my massive wang. #Yolo !!!
- An unnamed source is offering up to 500,000 credits for actual footage of the Yavin attack. Anyone interested can leave a message in a mailbox on a site known as the “Digital Black Hole”
- Insider sources say that the place to invest right now is Bakura Mining. Slicers indicate that hacked draft documents show that some Bakuran officials are about to anounce a major re-structuring of the planet’s mining laws, and Bakura mining will reap huge windfalls, since they’ll get all the lucrative contracts first before other mining companies can get out there to set up operations. The planet is known as a big source of strategic metals and is located on the outer rim, FYI.
- Lord Vader totally didn’t destroy the rebel weapon on his own. The Empire is just playing folks and giving him all the credit. I heard he had a whole wing of TIE fighters helping him out, but they’re all bound to silence by military code.
- The Rebel super-weapon was destroyed by the Empire’s moon-mounted turbo lasers.
- A banned book, Splinter of the Mind’s Eye, has recently been making rounds on the torrent sites. It imagines a world where Rebel “heroes” seek out a powerful Kaiburr crystal on a jungle planet, in the hopes of utilizing a long-dead religious energy to wipe out the Empire. It is said that the author was a Jedi-believer, before the Empire had him killed. Now even possessing the book is grounds for getting black-bagged and disappeared.
- Fenn Kithra is an empty ball of fur, put on a pedestal so the Empire can gain some ground with non-humans. I heard he’s actually 3 different Bothans that they dress up in the same costume, but keep in cages the rest of the time.
- A new space station/hotel complex calling itself “Satellite Five”, has set up near the former Aldaraan location. It is supposed to be a haven for off-world Aldaraanians to connect and share information about losses on the planet, but it’s quickly becoming a smuggler’s port, brothel, and general place for ne’er-do-wells.
- I heard from a brother of a friend of this guy I know that Kuat Drive Yards has a secret “Experimental Development” branch that’s working on teleportation technology. This could change EVERYTHING!
Late April 2014
TONIGHT, on The Bothan Report…
Rebel terrorist Han Solo escaped Lord Vader’s heroic destruction of the Rebel super-weapon, but no matter where he hides, Imperial heroes like Fenn Kithra will track him down. KIthra and his elite team met with Lord Vader after the strike, and the Bothan did not waste time being catty with words. He was clear and direct, showing Lord Vader that even non-humans can understand the value of direct action against terrorist scum.
- Lord Vader’s ship was damaged after he single-handedly destroyed a terrorist super-weapon in the Yavin system. While the battle was fierce and resulted in some Imperial losses as well, Imperial Investigator Tremayne estimates that up to 95% of the terrorist group was destroyed in the heroic attack run made by Lord Vader, exploiting a foolish design flaw that allowed Lord Vader’s fighter to take out the weapon with a single well-placed shot.
- Pre-sales of the holo-game TIE-Fighter vs. X-Wing have skyrocketed in the wake of Lord Vader’s victory. Game producer Electrographic Arts says they are adding in bonus content that will actually let you play as Lord Vader in his historic mission.
Earlier April 2014
- Rodian terrorists decimated at home after failed plot on Arkanis Sector Governor. Early reports from the Unerring and the Obedience indicate a 100% kill rate at several terrorist bases on Rodia. While their feeble attempt to send a poisoned plant to the new Governor presented no actual threat, the response was swift and total.
- Sharon Apple, the recently uncovered droid musician, is still scheduled to perform a live concert on Coruscant. While the revelation of her droid nature has been controversial, she has nonetheless sold out the largest stadium on the planet.
- Victory on Kowak! The Imperial Star Destroyer Unerring, directed by special Imperial Agent Fenn Kithra, has completely destroyed a terrorist starship storage facility on the jungle planet of Kowak. Some speculate that the terrorists were trying to recruit monkey-lizards to their cause, since most every other intelligent species says no to these crazy anarchists. The Empire continues to experience victory after victory as the Rebel Scum fall to our superior forces. No matter where they are, no matter what cave they are hiding in, the Empire will win. Long live the Emperor.
- Tragedy as previously reported geological disturbances resulted in increased volcanic activity and the ultimate destruction of the planet Aldaraan. Imperial ships are on scene searching for survivors or ships that managed to make it off-world before the collapse, but many are calling this tragedy the worst loss since the terrorist data breach on Corulag, which resulted in the deaths of many Imperial officers while terrorists tried to steal computer data.
- Stocks for resort companies Fhloston Paradise, Cloud 9, and RISA Pleasure Planets Unlimited have all skyrocketed on news that Aldaraan’s resorts may all be no more.
- Dirk Masterson’s “Rise of the Empire” opened to record-breaking numbers. Sequels have already been confirmed, and this looks like the beginning of another successful movie franchise from Coruscant Studios.
APRIL UNOFFICIAL/SLICER INFO:
- Most of the biological research facilities on Rodia that were orbitally bombarded by the Empire were civilian medical sites in populated areas. Civilian casualties are estimated in the hundreds of thousands. A new group calling itself the “Yah-Toe” (which roughly translates in Rodian to “shoot first”) has arisen, swearing to exact vengeance for this attack, and they have put out death orders on Governor Coventry, the crews of the Unerring & Obedience, and anyone who helped the Governor at his inauguration.
- One of the Empire’s new interrogators, known as High Inquisitor Tremaine, is rumored to have mastered ancient meditation techniques that clue him in to facial tics and other unconscious “tells” that make him appear as if he can read people’s minds.
- The new T-16 Skyhopper high-performance air speeder offers the speed you crave with the luxury you demand. Whether you’re a well-to-do civilian who wants to ride in style while keeping the riff-raff away with the standard pneumatic air cannon, or a high-class security force looking to implement modifications to the base unit to stop criminals and thugs, the T-16 is the speeder for you. With a high-efficiency ion-core engine that purrs with power, the T-16 is the last word on luxury repulsorcraft. From Incom: To Infinity… and Beyond.
- The Galactic Senate was just dissolved. The Emperor has determined that planetary representatives will be better-heard through Regional Governors who can allocate resources on a local level, instead of the chaos of the open Senate forum, a relic of the old days of the failed Republic. New district lines have begun being drawn, with Governors being appointed by Imperial higher-ups.
- The new regional governance structure may also improve military response to terrorist threats, as each Governor has access to his own limited fleet, in addition to being able to call in segments of the larger Imperial Navy, as needed, for larger threats.
- The Emperor may have a major announcement related to the stability of the Galaxy. Many theorize that he may have crushed the Rebellion completely, though so far insiders say the news is “pending”.
- Max Silverscreen caught in scandal with Falleen & Twi’Lek mistresses.
- Dirk Masterson to star in new Imperial Epic holo-vid: The Rise of an Empire.
- HUGE victory as the Imperial Navy orbitally bombards a terrorist training camp on Dantooine. According to reports, no rebel scum were left alive.
- SCANDAL! Popular trance music producer/creator Sharon Apple has just been revealed to be a DROID! A tell-all book from one of her handlers claims that her “original” music is actually based on brain scans from her assistants. How this will affect her sales remains unknown, but many are in an uproar about it, and many live musician groups have begun making public statements about what “true” original music is.
- Something called the “Satellite 5 Footage” has been getting removed as soon as it appears on every slicer sub-network & black-server out there. Word is it has something to do with Aldaraan, though nobody has actually seen it (or at least no one is willing to admit seeing it).
- The speed with which this footage has been disappearing could mean it’s a hoax, or could mean that the Empire has some new super-virus deleting data it deems dangerous.
- No, dude, SERIOUSLY… the Empire has mounted freakin’ super-lasers to a gorram MOON and is using them to blow up planets!!!
- The Empire’s fluoridation & water filtration programs are actually infecting whole populations with a strange bacteria called mitichlorians. They’re after your precious bodily fluids!
- The Empire has appointed special “Grand Inquisitors” to look into rebel activities. Word is that they have methods of persuasion not previously seen… likely new torture methods or mind-altering substances.
- Colony LV-426 has recently stopped communicating. It wasn’t an official Imperial colony, though… just a mining operation sent by The Chesterfield Mining Corporation, but since the rock they were on is out at the very edges of the rim, anything could be behind their troubles.
February 2014 & earlier
- Reports in science journals of strange and unexpected volcanic activity indicators in Alderaan’s core. Many “experts” agree this could create strange radiation signatures that might disrupt communications.
- Construction jobs in Imperial Military up 200%
- Max Silverscreen, human, has broken Holo-Vid sales records with the action film “Imperial Hero 3: Rebel Apocalypse”
- Rebel terrorist leaders aboard a ship in deep space were recently destroyed in an attack by elite Imperial pilots in new advanced TIE combat superiority vessels.
- For the 10th year in a row, a human has won the Imperial Cup of Pod Racing. The winner, Victor Antillar, is an Imperial TIE pilot trainee, and follows in the tradition of other Imperial personnel who’ve won the cup in previous years. When asked how he managed such a feat, Antillar was quoted as saying “It was all those hours of TIE training… they just made my reflexes that much better.”
FEBRUARY UNOFFICIAL/SLICER INFO
- All communication from Alderaan mysteriously went absolutely quiet 2 days ago (2 days prior to start of 1st game)
- Grand Theft Starship XVII will contain the easter egg that puts real Imperial personas on the faces of characters you rob in-game
- Talon Kardde’s criminal empire has been expanding significantly in the Myrkr region. He may even be seeking to take on the Black Sun criminal empire (this is the other side of the galaxy from you guys, but it goes to show how big the rumor is that it’s reached out this far)
- The Empire has mounted super-lasers to a moon and is shooting death beams into the outer Rim at random
- The Emperor himself is actually a clone, as are most of the Moffs.
- Storm Trooper cloning facilities recently got new batches of material, and their formula may be tweaked soon.
- Storm Troopers aren’t clones, as many believe, but are actually non-humans brainwashed to think they’re human and that they can’t remove their helmets.
- Victor Antillar’s victory quote (see above) was cut off. It continued “and look at the sub-human scum I was racing against. How could I lose?”